I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
