dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
