I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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