All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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