There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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