I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
