i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
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