It's Friday. Sex?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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