Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
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