I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
