none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
