At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
