I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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