u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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