My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
