you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
