Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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