I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
It was confusing and full of hummus
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
