I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
