if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Randomize
