i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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