All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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