I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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