Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
