have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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