Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
