:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
