I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Randomize
