You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
