I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
