to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm bleeding and have questions
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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