I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
false alarm, still single
i out mim tonsoeep
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
