I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
