I can text with my tongue
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
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