You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
