I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
