After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
