If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Your dad touched me again.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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