When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize