Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
