So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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