She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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