You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
