Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
