We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
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