How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize