They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
