I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
