I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
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