Im at strip club and am horny
Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
