just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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