You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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