never play flip cup with pint glasses
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize