my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
