her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
