this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
