I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
