i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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