She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
My ass is underappreciated
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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