Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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